Cigarettes #7 & #8 – Two steps closer

As planned I smoked two more cigarettes that Labor Day weekend. I smoked another one on Saturday, and the next one on that Monday, Labor Day.

For the Saturday Cigarette, I decided to try smoking in the morning for a change. I went into the woods in an undeveloped area near my house and found a nice secluded nook to smoke it. Despite not doing anything different, I must say the morning cigarette felt different. I had done all my previous smoking in the afternoon or at night, so there was a noticeable difference in starting my day with one. As if the previous cigarettes, I built up that tension and urge to smoke all day and got to release it at the end, but this cigarette I did first thing and therefore the nicotine was entering my body in a much calmer state. This was the most relaxing cigarette I had smoked to date. And this time, I smoked the whole thing, probably because I mentally prepared myself ahead of time.

Two positives – The guilt for this cigarette wasn’t very strong. I’d be lying if I said it was non-existant, but I didn’t feel near the level of shame as my last one. And second, I didn’t feel let down at the end. Probably because I had readjusted my expectations based on my last cigarette, and wasn’t hyping it up to be some great experience.

So from an all-around standpoint, I’d say this cigarette was my most successful to date, based on all the outlying circumstances.

The Labor Day Cigarette was approached differently. My last smoking cycle with the Camels, when I smoked the 3rd one, I had not yet decided that the 3rd cigarette I smoked would be my last in that cycle, so I didn’t mentally prepare myself to savor and enjoy it. This time, I knew that this would be my last one in a while so I wanted to make it count.

I feel like I wasted too much time trying to find the perfect spot to smoke this day. I had to reassure myself its not about the location, but the smoking itself. I decided to just smoke at sunset, since the weather was great and who knows what the weather will be like next time I smoke. I went to the local Youth baseball fields that were empty and sat down in the bleachers to smoke. These bleachers were a good 200 yards from any road or sidewalk, so no one was going to see me unless they made their way into the baseball field as well, and I saw no reason why anyone would.

I slouched back in the bleachers and lit up. I really paced myself and tried to make each drag count. In retrospect, I regret this. I was so preoccupied with “making it count” that I was distracted from the actual smoking itself. Smoking is supposed to be a calm, relaxing activity, not something you micromanage and overthink. That just makes it, non-relaxing. I finished the cigarette and put it out, but told myself next time, just smoke. Don’t overthink it. When I observe those elegant, stylish smokers that I want to emulate, do you think they are overthinking it? I doubt it. It is second nature to them. I think part of their elegance and style is because they don’t overthink it, and therefore their style is simply an extension of who they are.

Again, like my last smoking cycle in July, I didn’t experience any cravings to my knowledge. I had spaced out my 3 cigarettes over 5 days, and only felt my normal, lifelong psychological smoking urges. Maybe, I thought, a cigarette craving is no different the psychological urge I have always had. The only way to know for sure would be to smoke more, something I was unwilling to do.

With my smoking cycle complete, I assessed it. I feel like I had taken a step closer to fulfilling the smoking fantasy I had created for myself since I discovered my smoking fetish, but was still so far. And I began to think if it was even a fantasy that could be fulfilled. Maybe for the future I need to reduce my expectations.

I took the Benson & Hedges pack and tossed it in the garbage on the way out. As much as I hated throwing out 17 perfectly good cigarettes, that is the unofficial agreement I had with my fetish, when I cave, it’s 3 and out. The Benson & Hedges grew on me. I can’t really compare them to the Camel No. 9’s, they are two completely different types of cigarettes. I’d say the B&H was a more “serious” cigarette, as it was stronger and gave a better buzz, while the Camel No. 9’s were more of a “party/recreational” cigarette, which you smoke when you want something lighter. I like them both.

I drove back to campus. One positive is that in my fantasies, I always dread the end of my smoking cycles. But to be honest, I was content. Experimenting with smoking, now having smoked 6 cigarettes successfully, has been a positive in the fact that I got to see what smoking was all about, but negative in the fact that it hasn’t been the great release I was expecting. When you have a smoking fetish and think about smoking all the time, you think when you finally do smoke, it will be a grand, glorious event that was worth the payoff. Instead, I’d say the payoff is more in the fact that you are no longer thinking about smoking, you are actually doing it. For the first time in weeks you are not saying to yourself “I want to smoke”, because you are actually smoking. That’s the payoff, and while its nice, it’s analogous to saying setting yourself on fire is worth it because the payoff is feeling better when it is extinguished. So far, my enjoyment of this has been the negative reinforcement – the fetish is based on so much thinking about smoking, fantasy, planning, and anticipation, which sets unrealistic expectations. I sometimes feel more excitement in thinking about the smoking and planning it out than actually doing it.

Cigarette #4 – Successful failure at the lake?

The next day was a very weird one.

After smoking the cigarette the previous day, my fetish subsided. I had no urges or desire to smoke. I didn’t even think about it, and my mind was clear.

My family and I took a short 3 hour roadtrip to watch our cousin play in a baseball game. The entire way, I felt depressed and empty. I felt somewhat sensitive and emotional. I didn’t know if this was the affect of nicotine or just a different form of guilt, but something didn’t feel right at all. What I do know, is that I wasn’t feeling my usual type of guilt.

The baseball game was fun, and I didn’t think about smoking at all during the game. It wasn’t until the car ride back, where my smoking fetish began to flare back up. All of a sudden smoking was appealing to me again. I begun to rationalize away and thought that since my cigarette yesterday wasn’t a total failure, that my next one would go a lot better and finally be that fulfillment of the smoking fantasy I have always had.

On the car ride home, I scoured the internet on my phone to see if I could learn why I didn’t feel any nicotine rush. I read a lot of how-to guides on how to smoke, and how to get the most out of smoking. It didn’t take long to come to the conclusion that I simply was not inhaling the smoke deep enough. I inhaled it, but I learned that inhaling isn’t a binary act, where you either inhale or you don’t. You can inhale shallow, or you can inhale deep, or in between. I was certain that in my smoking attempt, I was inhaling very shallowly. Just enough to get the smoke down my throat without coughing. Also, I may not have been taking large enough drags, since it was a light cigarette after all.

We got home and I immediately got in my car to go to that golf course. And the pack of cigarettes were still hidden under that water fountain nook. I was relieved as I wouldn’t have to shell out money for more. But I wasn’t ready to smoke just yet. I decided to smoke again the next night, a Sunday, a little over 48 hours since my previous smoking attempt, and this time test myself with longer drags and deeper inhales to see if I could get that buzz.

Since I was bored with nothing to do, I decided to drive out of the metro area and to the lake 45 minutes away, and pick a spot overlooking the lake where I could see the sunset. I wanted this cigarette to be a relaxing, enjoyable experience and not an anxiety fueled jitter fest like my past 3.

I got to the lake and identified a perch overlooking the lake that faced the west where the sun was setting. I took a cigarette and lighter, and I did the mini-hike to the top of that perch. Since it was a Sunday Night in July at twilight, there were plenty of people out on the lake, so I made sure to step back far enough from the edge to where I couldn’t be seen by people below in the lake.

It was a beautiful night. The temperature was in the upper 80s, and the sun setting glimmered on the lake and it was a calm, serene setting. I couldn’t have asked for a better scenario to smoke. I sat down on the ground indian style.

This time, I was going to do it right all the way. I placed the cigarette in my mouth this time. No more in-hand lighting, I was lighting it the way a smoker lights it. I cupped my hand around the end of the cigarette, flicked the lighter and drew on the cigarette until it was lit and smoke filled my mouth. I blew it out without inhaling. I must admit, I wasn’t a big fan of this because I could taste the lighter gas amongst the smoke, although I am glad I lit the cigarette like a smoker this time.

I put the cigarette back in my mouth and took a drag. I inhaled, and made sure to inhale it deep. It came about me quickly – the nicotine rush. I felt it! It was different from what I was expecting, but it was amazing. I enjoyed it so much that I decided to take it all in. Since this was the only cigarette I would be smoking that night, I didn’t want to drive 45 minutes to the lake just to rush it. I took my time between drags and paced myself. I sat there, calmly on the ground, cigarette between my fingers, gazing at the sunset and enjoying myself.

Enough time passed and this time I decided to test myself with a longer drag. I drew on the cigarette longer this time and smoke filled my mouth. I tried to inhale it, but failed. I coughed a fit. I realized that the more smoke, the more difficult it is to inhale, so I had to work on it. I reduced the length of my next drag and was able to successfully inhale with no trouble. My next drag I took another long draw and this time I was able to inhale it all and got an even bigger nicotine rush. I smoked the rest of the cigarette almost down to the filter, with a bunch of successful long drags inhaled deeply. The nicotine was coursing through my veins and I was enjoying every bit of it, but was getting very light headed and eventually got a bit nauseous. I admit I was disappointed when it was over, but glad at the same time because of my light headedness/dizzyness and oncoming nausea. I remained on the perch for about 20 more minutes until I was able to feel right enough to hike back down.

While this was my biggest smoking success to date, and I actually enjoyed it, I still could not get past the guilt. Guilt is something that is never taken into consideration when you have a smoking fetish and fantasize about smoking in your head. In smoking fantasies, everything goes right. It’s an idealized conception of an utopian smoking session. You never think about the downsides, because that would kill the fantasy. It still felt like something was missing. Again, I’d be lying if I said that I felt like the whole endeavor was a good idea and I had no regrets. Not so much in that I wanted more, but that I wanted to find that missing piece in all of this to make it where I am celebrating the success of my smoking sessions and the excitement of doing it again comes upon me. That hasn’t happened so far, but one way to explain it is that I am only 2 cigarettes in. Maybe it takes time.

On the drive home, I believe what I was really looking for was to have a cigarette that lives up to the expectations I set upon them in my fantasies. To have that cigarette that allows me to play out my fantasy and get the satisfaction out of it I fantasize about. If I couldn’t get that complete satisfied feeling after smoking a cigarette on a gorgeous Summer Night overlooking the sun setting on a scenic lake, will I ever experience it?