Update of sorts

So I am looking at the calendar and it has been over 5 months since my last post.

That also coincides with when I smoked my last cigarette. I haven’t given an update because I haven’t smoked since then. Which is weird because the last 3 cigarettes I smoked were probably the best 3 I have ever smoked. Naturally you think I would want to smoke again sooner rather than later, but… it hasn’t happened.

I wish I could come up with a reason why I haven’t smoked since then. In my last post I hinted I perhaps would do so again during Christmas Break, but that time came and went and I had no desire. Which is weird in and of itself because at the time I smoked my last cigarette I thought it would be a long countdown until then, but time went by and the desire wasn’t there. In fact, my fetish didn’t even flare up until last month when I got out of school for spring break. The thought entered my mind as I was driving alone to the location I went for spring break, but it was just a thought, not something I seriously entertained although it did get my fetish motor revved a little bit. While on the road, halfway to my destination, I stopped at a hotel for the night. I walked in and there were a group of women smoking outside the entrance. I thought about joining them and asking for a cigarette, but didn’t. I went up to my room, went to bed and that was that.

This past week my fetish has flared up a bit, but not to extreme levels to where I feel like I have to satisfy it now. On a scale of 1-10, a 6 or a 7. Nothing I haven’t managed before. It gets me thinking, but it doesn’t dominate my thoughts or keep me up at night. A cigarette sounds nice, but not something I feel like I have to do. It is simply a good idea and nothing more. No more than a good idea than splurging on a $300 dress, but I don’t.

Having now smoked 18 full cigarettes in my life, I wonder if I am at the point where my fetish isn’t enough alone to get me to smoke. It’s as if I need another reason or motive to go to the store, buy a pack of cigarettes, and smoke. Perhaps its easy to say this when my fetish hasn’t been dialed up to 11 recently. And when that happens perhaps that will be enough to get me to cave and go out and smoke. But what if the reason my fetish hasn’t been dialed up to 11 is because I have smoked 18 times now and I know what all there is to it? Part of the reason I caved in the past wasn’t so much because my fetish was strong, but because smoking was a new, mysterious frontier I wanted to explore. I wanted to experiment with different brands and smoking styles and such. Now having smoked 18 times I have been able to get a general feel of what smoking has to offer. So the curiosity angle is no longer there to encourage me to smoke. So the only reasons I have to smoke now are my fetish, which hasn’t been strong enough, and wanting to smoke because I enjoy it and have good experiences doing so, but that hasn’t been enough either.

The only frontier I haven’t experienced yet in smoking is addiction. And its something I would like to avoid. I have never felt a craving. Just the typical urges I get from my fetish. I have pointed out in the past that I never really get a good buzz when smoking, even when I went with the full flavor B&H cigarettes last time. I felt a small, short buzz, but nothing that made me say wow, and nothing I would want to chase with another cigarette. Perhaps I just have a really good tolerance to nicotine and the resulting buzz.

There is no doubt in my mind I will smoke again. It will happen, its a part of my life I have accepted. I like smoking. I just don’t know when it will happen again, and I don’t know what will trigger my decision to do so. I have stayed away from this blog in the meantime, because it does help feed my fetish. I generally come onto my blog and other smoking blogs & sites when my fetish is active, so I “starve” it by avoiding my blog and other sites. However I see that I have an audience these days, and readers who are probably in my shoes who I could probably give insight to with my own experiences. So I feel like I owed an update. It’s also past the 1 year anniversary of this blog, which is weird because I have only smoked 4 times since starting the blog. I thought starting this blog would have me smoking more, not less!

Cigarettes #13 & 14 – Social Smoking and Isolation Smoking

 

I didn’t smoke that Saturday, as I am still being careful about spacing out my smoking. No back to backs for me. On Saturday I simply enjoyed the city and its attractions. I dedicated a day to myself.

I did plan on smoking that Sunday, before I left. Originally I planned on smoking on the balcony again, but I ended up having a change of plans.

I ate breakfast on the first floor of the hotel. As I finished and was headed back up to my room, I noticed a group of 4 people outside the entrance of the hotel smoking. I hesitated at first, but I decided this was as good of a time as ever to smoke with other people.

I admit I was nervous, but I went outside and stood on the front drive, near the space heater and the ashtray-trashcan combo that the 4 people were huddled around. There were 2 men and 2 women, probably in their mid twenties, all smoking and chatting with each other.

I pulled my pack of Camel No. 9’s out of my purse, took a cigarette out, put it between my lips and lit up as if it was something I had done 20 times a day for the past 5 years. Little did everyone out on the front drive who saw me know that this was only my 13th cigarette ever. I took my first drag and inhaled and as I began to put the pack back in my purse, one of the women who was smoking inquired to me about the Camel cigarette I was smoking. She said she had always wanted to try them, but never saw them anywhere. Since I wasn’t going to smoke the whole pack anyway, I offered her one to try. She gladly accepted, and I added myself to their smoking circle.

Before the woman asked me about my cigarettes, I was nervous and you could probably tell by looking at me. But after she opened up to me, I became a lot more relaxed and really enjoyed the social smoking experience for the first time. I made sure to blow my smoke away from the others and hold my cigarette in a way as not to have the stream of smoke get on the others. I introduced myself to the group and told them where I am from and where I go to school. While in real time the conversation with this group only lasted a few minutes, it felt like longer than that. Apart from her initial question about my cigarettes, the subject of smoking never came up. As much as I wanted to talk smoking with other people, it’s probably a boring subject for this group who likely smokes frequently. They were finished smoking before I was, and put out their cigarettes and wished me well. I took 3 more drags of mine by myself and put it out in the ashtray.

I must admit, smoking with other people socially like that was a rush. There was always the outside chance someone I knew would see me, but I didn’t care. I saw the opportunity and took it, and glad I did. Unfortunately, I don’t see an opportunity to do this again any time soon, as I won’t get many chances to smoke with strangers 4 hours away from where I live.

Another note, is this was my first cigarette directly after eating. I ate a decent sized breakfast. I can see why people now say they love to smoke after eating. I feel like the cigarette “completed” the meal and put a cherry on top.

Alas, it was a step in the right direction and I have become virtually desensitized to strangers seeing me smoke.

The drive home however halted my momentum. I just had two great cigarettes and experienced the rush of social smoking for the first time. I should have been on Cloud 9. But the guilt overcame me. I drove 4 hours out of my way to smoke 2 cigarettes. Smoking is bad for you. I would be ashamed to admit I smoked to anyone. I thought I was overcoming the guilt, but it came back. I just had the two greatest cigarettes of my life this weekend, the type of experiences that should make me want to do it more often. But the shame was greater.

I drove home and smoked my last cigarette of the cycle 2 days later on Wednesday. I went to a park only 15 minutes from campus, which is the closest I have smoked to campus or home. It was dark when I went and no one came by me on the bench I was sitting on. Back to secluded smoking. When I was done, I re-evaluated my plan to smoke 3 per cycle. I didn’t plan on smoking a 4th one, but I thought about how many I could get away with, without cravings setting in. I admit, part of the reason was because I was so curious as to what exactly a physical craving is. I had never experienced a physical craving and just wanted to know. In the end, I decided that it’s a blessing I haven’t felt one yet, and that 3 per cycle is working, so why change it?

I really like the Camel No. 9 cigarettes. If I were a regular smoker, they’d be a staple in my purse. But when I limit myself to 3 cigarettes every 2-3 months, I think it is best to go with a cigarette that packs a little more punch. The Camel No. 9’s are great as a secondary cigarette or party cigarette or recreational cigarette. But I want to make every smoking session count, so I deserve to treat myself to a cigarette that has more to it.

Cigarette #12 – Roadtrip Smoking

I made it 7 strong weeks of winning the battle with my fetish before I lost one. I blame it on winning a raffle at my college’s basketball game because I came up with an idea of what to do with the prize. Had I not won this raffle, I felt like I was going strong enough to not cave for a lot longer. I had no close calls.

I won a 2 night hotel stay for a nice hotel chain. It was good for 2 people. My plan was to go alone and use this as an excuse for a smoking weekend getaway.

I picked out a hotel in the chain 4 hours north of where I live. Road Trip! While these hotels are non-smoking, they let you smoke on the balcony. Perfect!

I really anticipated this weekend. This weekend I could just smoke where I am, and not worry about having to drive out of the way to some location and fret about running into someone I know. I was ready to build on the momentum of my last smoking cycle in December.

The weekend finally arrived, and I packed my bags and headed north. I decided to buy my cigarettes when I got to the city I was staying at, and the first 2 places I went I was unsuccessful finding the brand I wanted. I wanted the Camel No. 9’s again, but this time Menthol and 100 length. Finally, I turned to the only place I knew where to find them, a Walgreens, and sure enough they had them in stock. And again, the cigarette buying process, even though I was at a store 4 hours away, was unpleasant. Guilt.

This was the first time I had traveled anywhere alone, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself. For my first night, I decided to go to the grocery store down the street from the hotel and get a pint of ice cream and relax in my hotel room bed watching movies. I watched a movie and ate the ice cream, and decided to go out to my balcony and smoke. I was on the 9th floor, and had a good night view of the city. A great backdrop for a cigarette.

Upon lighting up and inhaling, naturally the first thing I did was compare this cigarette to the regular Camel No. 9’s I had smoked 6 months ago. Both are fine, but I found myself preferring the menthol and 100s length version of these cigarettes. The menthol, in my opinion, makes the inhaling process feel smoother and more refreshing. With that being said, they are still Camel No. 9’s, a very light cigarette, so it almost feels like inhaling air and the buzz is not as strong. These cigarettes are very easy to smoke, which I feel is a good thing for beginners and recreational smokers at places like parties, but they do leave you wanting more otherwise. I don’t see these being a “main” cigarette for people, which is probably why they are hard to find. More like a secondary cigarette when you want to smoke and get a more mild effect. Also, while mentholated, it was a different sensation and style of menthol than the B&H menthol I had smoked. It was much more subtle.

I finished this cigarette, and it was a good one too. I was pleased, especially because this is my first cigarette where I was able to just stop what I was doing and smoke, instead of having to make a whole endeavor out of it. I went back to the soft hotel bed and watched another movie before falling asleep. I felt absolutely zero guilt for the first time. I attributed this to being on vacation and escaping responsibility.