Cigarette #21 – The last of the cycle – or was it?

Even with being caught smoking on Saturday, I still went ahead and smoked full steam ahead on Sunday.

This time I made sure to pick a secluded spot where no one could find me. With it being Easter and lots of families out and about, I had to find a spot where no one would be. I drove around and saw a school with a ladder going up to the roof. So that is what I did. I climbed the ladder, went up to the roof and smoked. It was a good cigarette too. Actually, it was a glorious cigarette. Not because I got a better nicotine buzz/rush this time, but just because it was relaxing, calming and satisfying. No one claims they smoke so they can get all jazzed up and energized. Instead, people claim they smoke to calm down and relax. That is exactly what this cigarette did for me. It was very peaceful and a good rebound cigarette from Saturday.

With this being cigarette #3 of the cycle, it was time to bid the pack farewell and go on my way cigarette free for the foreseeable future. I actually gave doing this a lot of thought. Having smoked back to back days and not experiencing any kind of cravings other than my typical fetish urges to smoke, I did think about experimenting if I could get another cigarette or two in the next couple of days before chucking the pack. The cigarettes were still fresh, and I have experienced no cravings or addiction symptoms yet, so why waste them? I ended up throwing them out anyway. I would rather be safe than sorry, especially with finals and such coming up. If this were in the summer, or over a holiday break, or if I just didn’t have much going on, I would have considered it more strongly. For now, I will just be satisfied with the 3 I smoked and hope that satisfaction lasts me for a few weeks.

I felt a bit guilty smoking on Easter, because as a Christian Woman I believe about keeping my body pure as a temple and all of that. However, I smoke infrequently. In order to damage my body I would have to smoke more. I view my smoking as no different than someone indulging in a fattening dessert or something. That isn’t good for you and is not treating your body as a temple either. Smoking for me is an occasional treat. At the same time, I believe this is the mindset that gets people addicted. They smoke occassionally or rarely at first and say “It’s no big deal! I hardly smoke at all! You have to smoke for years until it becomes a health risk!”. Then they smoke more and become addicted. “I have only smoked for a year, its not a big deal, you have to smoke for years until the health risks come into play. I can quit any time I want”. Then they smoke more and more. “I can’t quit now, I am going through too much”. That’s why smoking early on, before addiction, is still dangerous because people rationalize it as not being bad because they haven’t smoked enough yet.

Another thing that is weird is the gym. I workout and after every time I smoke I always feel like I am a bit more congested in my lungs and have to breathe harder. I wonder if this is actually because of my smoking, or if its just a placebo effect, and I am attributing my fatigue to the fact I smoked instead of the fact I am simply tired.

I also want to thank my audience. Sunday, April 16 was the most ever viewed day on this blog with nearly 400 visitors, so my entry about getting caught must have been a popular one. I don’t know what brings people here or how they find it(according to the blog, search engines are what bring the most traffic here) but thanks for reading, I appreciate it.

With finals and my summer job and internship coming up, its anybody’s guess as to when I will be smoking again. It’s been 2 days now and I still have not felt any cravings, even my fetish has been toned down a notch. 3 cigarettes in 3 days didn’t come anywhere close to hooking me, so next time perhaps I will be a bit more bold and stretch it out to perhaps 5 cigarettes in 5 days, or try to smoke 2 cigarettes in one day. We will see. Until then…. Eva

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Cigarette #20 – Caught smoking by someone I know for the first time

I got up early to write this entry because it was on my mind all night and I did not sleep well.

The title says it all. I was hoping that for cigarette #20, commemorating having smoked an entire pack’s worth of cigarettes in my life, that it would have been a bit more ceremonial and a bit less dramatic. Instead one of my worst fears were realized.

Yesterday was a normal day. I planned on smoking in the afternoon, which is what I did. I drove out to find a place to smoke about 20 miles away. I drove by an elementary school which had benches set out near a side entrance. I figured this alcove would be a nice place to smoke, as 3 walls surrounded me, and the only opening faced a field, so the only way anyone would be able to see me is if they actually came around to where I was. Well, just that happened.

I lit up, and was only a drag or two in. I was taking the cigarette slowly as usual. I was looking at my phone when all of a sudden I heard two voices, and the jingling sound of a dog collar. Two women were walking their dog. I didn’t think much of it, hopefully they would see me and continue to walk their dog and not think much of it. The voices got louder as they got closer. It was clear they were going to walk right by me on the sidewalk. I put a smile on my face and “owned” what I was doing as not to make it seem like what I was doing was a big deal, ready to exchange smiles with whoever was walking by.

The two women in the dog came into view and immediately my smile went to astonishment. So did the faces of the two women whom I made eye contact with.

Turns out the women who were walking their dog was a woman I go to church with, who was visiting her sister and they were out walking the dog together. Ugh. For the sake of this blog entry we will call her Jane. Jane is a few years older than me. She isn’t exactly a friend, more of an acquaintance. A few months ago our church did a women’s retreat and we were in the same “group” so we got to know each other a bit that weekend but I haven’t really talked to her or hung out with her outside of that, just a bunch of exchanged “Hi’s” and such when we see each other at church.

I had prepared for this moment. I told myself that if this ever were to happen, I was going to go all out by playing victim. When I was in high school I caught my friend Ariel smoking and gave her a strongly worded lecture, and Ariel ended up playing the victim card. I actually ended up feeling bad for Ariel. I figured this was my best shot here.

No more than a second or two passed after the initial eye contact and faces of surprise were made in which I put my palms over my ears and began to cry saying “No no no no!”.  Then I said “I was hoping no one would see me like this!” as tears began to roll down my face.  It worked as Jane sat down next to me and immediately began to console me. She put her arm around me like she was embracing me and rubbed my back. I continued to cry and told her how I am under so much stress and so much pressure to be who I am that sometimes I just break down and smoke to get away from it all. I cried out that I hardly ever smoke and that it is very rare, something I have only done a few times the past couple of years, and that I am not addicted or a habitual smoker. Jane was very understanding.

What helped the situation even more was Jane’s sister. Her sister was a bit older, probably in her upper 20s. For the sake of this entry I will call her sister Jill. Jill told me she has been there before and that while what I am doing isn’t the best idea, she understands why because she had done the exact same thing when she was younger, smoking out of stress. Jane then chimed in by saying no one is perfect and we all have our weak areas in which we make mistakes.

I continued to cry and give myself a hard time. I continued to tell Jane & Jill that I was a fraud, a complete hypocrite, because everyone knows me as Eva, the girl who is perfect and flawless with the squeaky clean image. I have mothers and fathers at church come up to me all the time and say they hope their daughter turns out like me. I have young girls at church say they want to be like me. When I was in high school I made such good money babysitting because I was in such high demand because I was trusted. I told Jane that now that she has seen me smoking, it exposes me as a fraud and I am simply a girl putting on an act, a facade. Jane continued to console me and told me to stop being so hard on myself. If anything, this is a good thing because it shows I am human.

It’s weird because instead of putting out the cigarette I was smoking, I smoked it all the way to the filter while Jane & Jill were consoling me. I didn’t put it out even though that was my initial instinct, instead I continued to smoke it normally. I must have taken at least 8 drags while they were talking to me, as well as ash the cigarette in a way not to get the ashes on them or the dog. So if they were watching me smoke this whole time, they probably would have seen me smoke in a way that portrayed a girl who was a bit more of an experienced smoker and not someone smoking for only their 3rd or 4th time.

After I was done smoking we talked for another 45 minutes or so. They really did a good job of making me feel better, giving their own anecdotes and stories about times they screwed up like this, and their stories were a lot worse than simply smoking a cigarette. Jill talked about the time she experimented with harder drugs to win the approval of a guy she liked, and Jane talked about how she was once addicted to shoplifting before getting caught. Maybe having a cigarette isn’t so bad. Regardless, I wasn’t ashamed of the fact I was smoking, I was ashamed of the fact I got caught.

Fortunately Jane isn’t connected with the rest of my family. She doesn’t know my parents or my younger sisters, so I do not have to worry about her telling my family. I do worry about gossip, as that is what girls do, but I trust Jane here. She said she will keep this a secret between her and I, and I have nothing to worry about. I trust her.

Before leaving Jane asked me if I plan on smoking again. I said “probably not”, because hopefully I won’t reach a point in which I break down in smoke and will learn how to handle my stress better. She told me if I need help or support or prayer with this, to just ask her. I felt kind of guilty because I was lying to her. I didn’t tell her about my fetish or anything. I have a smoking fetish and its not something that is really going to go away. While I have been able to control my fetish and smoke rarely, it still flares up every now and then, so I know I will smoke again. I told Jane I throw out the pack after every cigarette I have smoked, and was going to do the same with this one, but I didn’t. I kept the pack in my glove box where it is sitting as I write this. I am sure the chances of Jane stumbling onto this blog are remote, but if somehow you do come across this Jane, at least you know the truth now. I apologize for misleading you.

Having smoked two cigarettes on back to back days, I have not felt any cravings. I plan on smoking one more cigarette today and then chucking the pack and not smoking again for a while. I want to end this smoking cycle on a high note as I planned, so I can go into the next stretch of my life focused without thinking about smoking.

I survived my first encounter of smoking in which someone I knew saw me doing so. It was nervewracking(and still is) in a lot of ways, but there were a lot of positives that came from it too. The world didn’t end. I gained what looks to be a new friend. I learned I was human, and learned that I am not alone – everyone makes mistakes. Smoking a cigarette isn’t such a bad thing in the grand scheme of things – there are a lot worse things I could be doing. I think this encounter helped me stop being so hard on myself when I do smoke.

Cigarette #19 – Back in Action

I suppose a good harbinger of when I will be smoking again is if I write a blog entry about how I haven’t smoked in a while and pondering when I will do it again. When I come onto this blog, its because my fetish is more active than usual and I am just looking to satisfy it without smoking. Therefore, you should know that if I am making entries, smoking should be just around the corner.

Well, yesterday I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked. I figured that since it was a 3 day weekend, and the last “break” before finals, working at my waitressing job with summer(read: more) hours and my internship that I am doing this summer, I might as well do it now and get it out of the way so my mind is clear for the upcoming havoc.

Yesterday morning I woke up after having another one of my “smoking” dreams. Last year I wrote an entry about this. About how I rarely ever smoke in my dreams, and if I somehow get ahold of a pack of cigarettes, something happens to where I can’t smoke. Well, the dream I had, I had a pack of cigarettes, but lost them, and spent the rest of the dream looking for them. I woke up in a very aroused state, and figured that it was time.

Since I had the day off from classes yesterday, it was simply a matter of when and where. I did some errands, chores, and went to the gym, and after the gym at around 2:00pm I decided to stop by a Walgreen’s and buy my pack. I put on my sunglasses, made sure the coast was clear and went in, as this location was rather close by to where I live and therefore there was risk involved. However, the store was relatively empty, and the process was smooth. I simply asked the man at the counter for a pack of B&H Menthols, he rung me up, and I was on my way. I was in and out.

It is comforting knowing that I have my go-to brand now, which is Benson & Hedges Premium Menthol 100s. I figure these will be the brand I buy in the forseeable future,  and for now, my brand experimenting is over with. It was hot yesterday so I wanted to wait for the sun to go down a bit and the weather to cool off before going out to smoke. I also needed to plan where to smoke as well. While I have my go-to cigarette brand, I still don’t have a go-to spot to smoke. I’ve smoked in many locations. A park, a golf course, a lake, a hotel balcony, a hotel driveway, a school, an office complex, and more.

I went to the Good Friday service at my church and afterward, with my cigarettes in my purse, I got in my car and just started driving west. I had no set location I was going to, I figured I might as well just drive until I find somewhere that works. After about 15 miles I took an exit and drove down a road in a suburban area. After 5 miles or so I turned right. Then I saw a little pond with a jogging trail that no one was on and some benches. I decided those benches were a good spot.

I got out of my car and made my way toward the benches, looking around to see if anyone was coming, but the coast was clear. I sat down, unwrapped the cellophane and put a cigarette between my lips and lit up. It’s weird how natural it felt to light up again after having not smoked for 5 months. I slowly made my way through the cigarette, taking my time and soaking it all in. At one point I saw a jogger pull up, but he was on the other side of the pond and was stretching while I smoked so he never got close enough to me.

I finished the cigarette, satisfied. I had a mild buzz and felt a tad dizzy/lightheaded, but nothing big. I got back into my car and drove back to my dorm. I wish I could have gone into more detail about what this cigarette was like. Having now smoked 19 of them, I am running out of ways to describe the process, since it is nothing new to me anymore. I smoked the cigarette normally, nothing more to it!

It was a good cigarette. Much better than my last one – in which I was smoking a cigarette from a pack I had already had for a week. I still remember what that one was like – while it wasn’t bad, it was harsher and not as fresh tasting as the one I had yesterday. The difference between a fresh pack of cigarettes and a cigarette from a week old one is quite noticeable for me. So I made sure to enjoy this one.

I am taking a risk this time around in that I want to have all 3 of my cigarettes for the cycle smoked by the time Sunday is over. Not only so I can have it out of the way and out of my mind, but so the cigarettes I smoke are fresher. So that means for the first time, I will be smoking cigarettes in back to back to back days. 3 days, 3 cigarettes. I have done back-to-back one time, in nearly 2 years ago when I smoked a couple of Camel No. 9’s on back to back days and never felt any kind of addiction or withdrawal symptoms. These B&H 100s are different, being full flavor means a greater risk but I am willing to take it. I smoked 2 of these in 3 days back in October, and felt no addiction symptoms, so it will be interesting to see if this causes me to have any for the first time.

It’s 9:30am right now. I have some things to do, and will be smoking later this afternoon probably. Once again, the “where” is up in the air.

Update of sorts

So I am looking at the calendar and it has been over 5 months since my last post.

That also coincides with when I smoked my last cigarette. I haven’t given an update because I haven’t smoked since then. Which is weird because the last 3 cigarettes I smoked were probably the best 3 I have ever smoked. Naturally you think I would want to smoke again sooner rather than later, but… it hasn’t happened.

I wish I could come up with a reason why I haven’t smoked since then. In my last post I hinted I perhaps would do so again during Christmas Break, but that time came and went and I had no desire. Which is weird in and of itself because at the time I smoked my last cigarette I thought it would be a long countdown until then, but time went by and the desire wasn’t there. In fact, my fetish didn’t even flare up until last month when I got out of school for spring break. The thought entered my mind as I was driving alone to the location I went for spring break, but it was just a thought, not something I seriously entertained although it did get my fetish motor revved a little bit. While on the road, halfway to my destination, I stopped at a hotel for the night. I walked in and there were a group of women smoking outside the entrance. I thought about joining them and asking for a cigarette, but didn’t. I went up to my room, went to bed and that was that.

This past week my fetish has flared up a bit, but not to extreme levels to where I feel like I have to satisfy it now. On a scale of 1-10, a 6 or a 7. Nothing I haven’t managed before. It gets me thinking, but it doesn’t dominate my thoughts or keep me up at night. A cigarette sounds nice, but not something I feel like I have to do. It is simply a good idea and nothing more. No more than a good idea than splurging on a $300 dress, but I don’t.

Having now smoked 18 full cigarettes in my life, I wonder if I am at the point where my fetish isn’t enough alone to get me to smoke. It’s as if I need another reason or motive to go to the store, buy a pack of cigarettes, and smoke. Perhaps its easy to say this when my fetish hasn’t been dialed up to 11 recently. And when that happens perhaps that will be enough to get me to cave and go out and smoke. But what if the reason my fetish hasn’t been dialed up to 11 is because I have smoked 18 times now and I know what all there is to it? Part of the reason I caved in the past wasn’t so much because my fetish was strong, but because smoking was a new, mysterious frontier I wanted to explore. I wanted to experiment with different brands and smoking styles and such. Now having smoked 18 times I have been able to get a general feel of what smoking has to offer. So the curiosity angle is no longer there to encourage me to smoke. So the only reasons I have to smoke now are my fetish, which hasn’t been strong enough, and wanting to smoke because I enjoy it and have good experiences doing so, but that hasn’t been enough either.

The only frontier I haven’t experienced yet in smoking is addiction. And its something I would like to avoid. I have never felt a craving. Just the typical urges I get from my fetish. I have pointed out in the past that I never really get a good buzz when smoking, even when I went with the full flavor B&H cigarettes last time. I felt a small, short buzz, but nothing that made me say wow, and nothing I would want to chase with another cigarette. Perhaps I just have a really good tolerance to nicotine and the resulting buzz.

There is no doubt in my mind I will smoke again. It will happen, its a part of my life I have accepted. I like smoking. I just don’t know when it will happen again, and I don’t know what will trigger my decision to do so. I have stayed away from this blog in the meantime, because it does help feed my fetish. I generally come onto my blog and other smoking blogs & sites when my fetish is active, so I “starve” it by avoiding my blog and other sites. However I see that I have an audience these days, and readers who are probably in my shoes who I could probably give insight to with my own experiences. So I feel like I owed an update. It’s also past the 1 year anniversary of this blog, which is weird because I have only smoked 4 times since starting the blog. I thought starting this blog would have me smoking more, not less!

Cigarettes #17 & #18 – Halloween Smoking and Rain Smoking

Two more cigarettes in the books. Two different smoking experiences.

Another smoking cycle complete and this has easily been my most satisfying cycle, and its not even close.

I actually ended up smoking on Halloween, only 2 days after my previous cigarette. I try to keep 3 days between cigarettes, but with me being as busy as I am, I had no idea when I would have the time. So I ended up smoking in seclusion after a Halloween party. There were people smoking at the party and I wanted to join them, but am not out to anyone. After the party, I drove around looking for a secluded place to smoke with some sort of lighting so I could set up my camera. Unfortunately, it was raining,  so my options were limited. As I drove around, I spotted the side of a building that had a side “garage” style gate that was perfect. There was a light fixed atop the overhang of the garage. I would be covered from the rain and the light would allow me to set up my tripod.

There was not a lot of space under this overhang, but it was enough to where I could set up my camera and smoke. I had to crouch down somewhat to get in view of the camera, but I managed. It definitely was not a natural pose. My first smoking video was me smoking sitting down on a rock, this one was me crouched down like a baseball catcher would be squatting. To make matters a bit more unnatural, I was still in my Halloween costume. I dressed as a “black rabbit”. If you have seen the movie Mean Girls, the quote is “For Halloween, most girls just put on lingerie and a pair of animal ears”.  I was pretty close to that. I wore a black tank top, a black push up bra, black yoga pants, and black high heels, to go with my rabbit ears and black eyeliner to draw on a nose and whiskers. Oh, and I had black lipstick too. So I looked pretty goofy to put it the least.

Regardless, I set up the camera, put a cigarette between my lips and got it lit on my first try. Naturally my plan was to try and “fix” all the posture and movement mistakes I made for my first video. Considering the conditions with the rain and the awkward crouch I had to do, I think I did a much better job this time. It was not a natural/candid video by any means, but as far as smoking style, I made progress. Plus, I took longer drags. I got a bigger buzz this time, but nothing earth shattering like I was expecting with the full flavors. I also smoked this one down to the filter unlike my last one. After reviewing the video, I was pleased. I took 10 drags, just like my last cigarette, but made it to the filter with this one as I took longer drags. I could see my exhales much more clearly, and I think I did a good job with neat, cone shaped exhales. I completely stained the filter black with my black lipstick.

I was a bit worried, that having smoked 2 full flavor cigarettes in a 3 day span, that I would experience cravings. But, I didn’t. I had no desire to smoke for the rest of the week.

My 3rd and final cigarette of the cycle was yesterday. I was out shopping, and decided to take a cigarette break in between. Again, it was raining, so I had to find a place that was secluded enough to set up my camera, and sheltered from the rain. I found the perfect place at an office building. The parking lot was empty so no one was there, and the entrance was sheltered. There were trash can/ash tray combos set up as well as benches. It was perfect. I was wearing a pair of jeans, a long sleeve t shirt, a scarf, and some boots. Nothing fancy.

I actually set up my camera on one of the benches, and decided to film myself smoking standing next to one of the ash tray trash cans, as if I were an office woman on her cigarette break. I wanted this video to be completely natural, as if it were a candid video someone filmed of me smoking. Therefore, no looking into the camera or anything. Just smoke like no one was watching me or filming me.

I hit record and walked over to the ash tray. Since it was a bit windy, it took me a few tries to get it lit, but I managed. This cigarette was different in that since the pack had been sitting in my freezer the past week, it did taste a bit stale. The two previous cigarettes I had smoked definitely were more “fresh” tasting. This one was a lot more harsh off the bat and not quite as good tasting. I am guessing that even by freezing, there is no way to keep cigarettes completely fresh. I googled it and apparently the consensus is that cigarettes go stale about 4 days after being opened. Despite not being fresh, the cigarette wasn’t horrible. It just wasn’t as good. Especially as I got closer to the filter, it got much harsher. Still, I made it all the way to the filter. The buzz I got was a lot more subtle this time. I guess my body just processes nicotine in a manner in which I do not feel a full buzz. Even smoking full flavors, I hardly feel anything. I have never really felt a buzz from a cigarette that makes me say “Wow, that was great, I would like to feel it again”. Perhaps this is not a bad thing though.

Now, in terms of the video I recorded of me smoking this cigarette. All I can say, is “wow”. I was very, very, very pleased with this one. It was a night and day difference from the first video I took. In other words, I nailed it. Having observed female smokers at work and in public places over the years, I know what a female smoker who knows what she is doing looks like. I know how she carries herself, and how she makes it look elegant yet completely natural. Therefore, I knew exactly what I needed to look like to consider myself a “good looking smoker”. I completely nailed it. I could not be more satisfied. In this video I looked the part of a smoker who had been smoking every day for the past 10 years. If it were graded on gymnastics style scoring I’d give myself a 10. I nailed everything and stuck the landing. Everything. From the light up, to the holding, to the dragging, to the inhaling, to the exhaling, to the ashing, to the stubbing out, and everything in between, I looked every bit the part of a seasoned vet.

Just to run down the video from start to finish. I have watched it at least half a dozen times now and still am in awe of myself. As much as I would like to show it, I can’t, so I will recap it.

  • The way I took the pack of cigarettes out of my purse, removed one, and put it between my lips was perfect. I didn’t fumble anything around or look antsy or nervous. It was simple, yet elegant. I have always thought this part is an underrated aspect of completing the “smoking look”.
  • The only real snafu of the video was getting the cigarette lit. According to the video I took 4 flicks of the lighter before I got it. This wasn’t my fault so much as it was the wind. But the cupping of my hands was good.
  • One thing I wanted to work on from my previous 2 videos was the transition once I have it lit. Natural, seasoned smokers make this look easy and completely seamless – they light the cigarette, puff, drag, inhale and remove it from their mouths all in one process. My first two videos, I had it lit, but did a “test” drag to make sure it was lit, so I simply puffed out uninhaled smoke and removed the cigarette from my mouth. For this video, I wanted to make it look better. And I nailed it! Once I knew it was lit, I puffed out the uninhaled smoke with the cigarette still in my mouth, put my index and middle finger in between the cigarette, dragged, inhaled, removed the cigarette from my mouth, and exhaled all in one smooth, seamless motion. This is actually a lot harder than it looks, and takes practice, but I nailed it! I was so proud of myself.
  • After removing the cigarette from my mouth, I stood there and held the cigarette. I had the cigarette in my right hand, with my right arm at a 45 degree angle away from my body with the cigarette pointed away from my body. I had my left arm across my body with my left hand touching the inside of my elbow. I thought this was a good looking hold. I just kind of looked around, brushed my hair, and acted completely natural.
  • My 2nd drag I took a decent sized drag, inhaled, and waited about 2 seconds before exhaling. For this exahle, I tilted my head back and slightly to the side and exhaled upward. Isee women do this a lot when they exhale, so I decided to give it a try. I thought it looked good. My exhale also looked like a nicely shaped cone.
  • After that drag I began to kind of pace around a bit instead of remaining still, continuing to hold the cigarette away from my body. I also began to ash the cigarette. One of the problems I had with myself from my first video is I thought I ashed too much which made me look a bit nervous and tweaky. In this video I ashed multiple times between drags, but at a lot less frequency. Each of my ashes actually accomplished the goal of ashing. When I ash, I just do the quick flick of the cigarette with my thumb. I think my ashing looked a lot better in this video and a lot more natural – in my first video it felt a bit forced and I was putting too much effort into it. A good ash looks like the smoker isn’t even thinking about it, and its just 2nd nature – that is what I looked like ashing in this video. 2nd nature with no effort. Overall I thought my ashing in this video was perfect.
  •  I really liked my 3rd drag. I took a drag, inhaled, then ashed my cigarette in between inhaling and exhaling with a single flick of the thumb, which to me, looked really natural and seasoned. Especially because a good chunk of ash came off. I exhaled straight ahead on this one in a neat cone, and turned my head slowly 180 degrees while exhaling. In betwee
  • After that exhale I continued to pace around and turn around, brush my hair, adjust my purse strap on my shoulder, and held my cigarette closer to my head as I checked my phone. Again this looked completely natural.
  • On my 4th drag I did a drag while facing the camera sideways, inhaled, and did another exhale while tilting my head back and exhaling toward the ceiling. This time though I also rotated my neck around about 180 degrees while exhaling above. This vertical exhale was even better than my previous one.
  • Drag #5 I got closer to the camera so you could only see me from the knees up. As I dragged I rotated my head around 180 degrees, inhaled, and exhaled with the same motion I dragged – slowly rotating my head around 180 degrees. As soon as I was done exhaling, I had another smooth thumb flick ash that removed a good chunk.
  • Drag #6 I took a drag with my left hand holding onto my purse strap. I dragged and turned my head quickly 180 degrees, and back 180 degrees. But it wasn’t a jerky motion, it looked smooth. I actually held the smoke in my lungs for a good 5 seconds on this one, and exhaled vertically, so you couldn’t see much on the video.
  • The cigarette was getting shorter and my red lipstick was staining the end of the filter by this point. I continued to just kind of randomly pace around and hold the cigarette either low and away from my body or up and near my ears with a limp wrist. With my left hand I alternated between touching my right elbow or holding my purse strap as I had my purse on my shoulder.
  • Drag #7 I did what I guess you would call a side exhale. When you rotate your head slightly sideways and exhale out of the corner of your mouth instead of the center. I see women do this a lot as well. I thought I did a good job.
  • I began to look at the cigarette. I had always wondered why smokers look closely at their cigarette once it starts to get to the end, and now I know why – you can start to feel the heat of the burning on your fingers the shorter it gets. I knew I only had a couple more drags left.
  • Drag #8 I dragged facing the camera. I inhaled and began to exhale into the wind, which made the exhaled smoke go right back into my face, so I quickly turned my head around and finished my exhale in a neat, perfect shaped cone.
  • I knew I only had one drag left so I had to make it count. I took a pretty long one, inhaled, and exhaled in a perfect cone straight ahead. I looked at my cigarette and realized I could fit another drag in there. I have noticed smokers do this a lot. They get to the end, take a drag and exhale, and almost immediately after exhaling, squeeze one last drag in there, knowing they need to do it quickly before it self extinguishes. I did the same thing here. Immediately upon exhaling my previous drag and recognizing I could fit one more drag in, I took another drag, a shorter one. I inhaled, and exhaled in a less perfect cone.
  • Once I was done, I stubbed the red lipstick stained filter out into the ashtray on top of the trash can.

Overall it was perfect. After my first two videos, I had a list of things I wanted to fix and improve on, but with this video, I have none of that. I nailed it.

I can honestly say that, for the first time since I started smoking, I finally see myself as the smoker I have always envisioned myself as in my fantasies. I had it nailed down. The posture, the style, the elegance, the mannerisms. Before this video, I just considered myself a closeted, extremely occassional and part time smoker. Now, I consider myself to be a smoker. I have broken down that mental barrier.

Just because I now consider myself to be a smoker, doesn’t mean I will be ramping up my cigarette consumption. When I say I now consider myself to be a smoker, I am simply saying that mentally I am no longer trying to “block” myself from considering myself to be one. I would always say “Yeah, I am not really a smoker….” because I considered smoking to be shameful. But now, after seeing what I can do when I smoke, I don’t view it as a bad thing, I now smoke like a seasoned vet. And I am proud of myself.

I tossed out the pack when I was done. It was bittersweet, but they were stale anyway, even after having them in the freezer. Of course I will smoke again. I haven’t felt any cravings or anything even though I smoked 3 full flavors within a week span. I will be fine. I’ll take a month off or so from smoking, and do it all over again. It will be easier to take time off from smoking in the fact that I have this video of me perfecting my smoking style that I can watch.

I am very proud of myself. I now consider myself to be a smoker. Wow. Never thought I would see the day.

Cigarette #16 – Pursuing Perfection

Hello all, I know its been a while, but that’s because I had no smoking activity. Yesterday, I had my first cigarette since early July. I was surprised I went that long, but honestly I just didn’t have the time. I am too busy!

This past weekend, I figured it would be a good time to break my near 4 month cigarette hiatus. And boy, was it a good one. I went ahead and finally bought a pack of Benson & Hedges Menthol 100s, Full Flavor. Not lights! I had discussed this in my previous post that I felt like it was time to try a full flavor. I bought them at a Walgreens.

This cigarette was a first of sorts because for the first time, I filmed myself smoking. I brought my selfie stick that has a tripod attachment along with me. I have always wondered what I look like when I smoke, so I thought it would be a good idea. Anyway, since it was a beautiful Saturday and the weather was nice, everyone was out and about. There were not many places nearby where I could scour off the beaten path and find a place where I could set my tripod and film myself smoking in privacy. Sure, I could have done this in a public place, but it would just be weird if people saw me filming myself smoking. Since it was a weekend, I figured the best place to go where I may get some privacy would be a school since no one would be there. I went by a couple schools, but unfortunately there were kids and such playing on the playgrounds there or walking their dogs on the property. The 3rd elementary school I came across seemed inactive, and I drove around to the back which was more secluded. There were no benches to sit on, but there were rocks that were high enough to act as benches. Satisfied with the location, I set up my tripod. I did a dry run with my vape rig first, just to make sure the lighting was good enough to see my exhales and I was in a good position. Everything was good to go.

I have to admit I was a little bit nervous smoking a full flavor for the first time. I was worried that it would be too much, too harsh, too strong and lead me to puking my guts out. Still, I didn’t hesitate. I hit the record button, sat down on the rock, crossed my legs, and put a cigarette in between my lips. One flick of the lighter and I drew the flame to the tip of the cigarette, and it was lit quickly.

I took my first drag and didn’t inhale it – I wanted to see what the flavor and consistency of the smoke was like. If I could describe it in one word, it would be “quality”. The smoke, in my opinion, actually tasted good. I liked the taste – I couldn’t say that for any other cigarette I have smoked. I did not detect any kind of nasty chemical taste or anything. And it was smooth. It wasn’t quite as smooth as vaping, but it was the closest I have ever gotten to it with a cigarette. The smoke felt right in my mouth.

Satisfied with the flavor, I took my first drag and inhale. It was a short one, just to make sure I could handle it. I handled it easy – no coughing or anything. I exhaled. I took a longer drag, and inhaled it with no trouble. I was very, very satisfied with this cigarette. I decided not to be a tweaker about it, so I took about 45 seconds or so in between drags.

According to my video, I took 10 total drags on the cigarette before stubbing it out. I probably made it about 75% through and had a good 3-4 drags left, but I felt like I was “done”. What surprised me is that I didn’t really feel any effects of the nicotine until the end, where I felt a bit dizzy and light-headed, especially when I stood up to turn off the camera, I got quite dizzy and a head rush. But overall, I was expecting more of a buzz from a full flavor. Perhaps I wasn’t taking big enough drags.

Of course the first thing I did was watch the video I had taken of myself smoking. All I can say is I am glad someone didn’t see me! If I could describe myself, it would be clumsy, jittery, and stiff. When I watch women smoke, most of them have a feminine, smooth elegance to it, and it looks natural. Myself, I am not quite there. I don’t know if it was the adrenaline running through me, but I did not look relaxed. I looked a bit nervous, like someone would find me. And my movements were too quick and jittery. For example when I would bring the cigarette to my mouth, it would be a really quick motion. My drags I feel like were too quick and short. Even when I felt like I was taking a decent sized drag, upon examination of the video, they were not. Perhaps this is why I didn’t really feel the buzz until the end. This could also explain why I could hardly see my exhales on the video, there were a few exhales where I saw nothing at all. Perhaps it was the lighting, but I could clearly see my exhale of the vaping I did for the test run video. I am chalking it up to not taking big enough drags. Finally, I think I ashed the cigarette a bit too much. I would ash it a good half dozen times in between drags which I think is probably overkill. This also contributed to me not looking relaxed. Overall I am glad I filmed myself because I know what I need to work on in terms of looking better when I smoke(even if no one sees me).

Overall, this is the most satisfied I have ever been with a cigarette. Everything about it was great. I am guessing it is a combination of the quality of the cigarette(B&H is a luxury brand) and the fact I went full flavor. Now I see why they are called full flavor – I thought it tasted great. Usually when I smoke I try to just tolerate the taste of the smoke in my mouth, but for this one, I was savoring it. After I was done smoking, I didn’t have the gross chemical aftertaste in my mouth that causes me to chew 5 pieces of gum and drown my mouth in listerine as fast as I can. The aftertaste, at best, was subtle, which I was grateful for. I didn’t feel gross, or nasty, like I usually do after smoking. I felt right. Everything about the cigarette was quality. It actually worries me that I enjoyed it so much, because I honestly wanted to smoke another one. I don’t think it was a nicotine craving pulling me into wanting to smoke one again – but the fact that I enjoyed the cigarette so much. This has never happened – I have always felt like one cigarette is enough, but I enjoyed this one so much, I wanted more. However, I am staying disciplined and instead put the cigarettes in a ziploc bag and stored them in my freezer to keep them fresh.

Going forward, I will do my usual pattern of smoking 2 more before chucking the pack, as much as I don’t want to. I’ll probably smoke again on Wednesday, and again next Saturday. But I can seriously see why people smoke now. Even after experimenting, I never understood how anyone could smoke just to smoke. I did it to satisfy a fetish, not because I wanted to smoke just to smoke. Now I get it. A good cigarette leads to someone wanting to do it again, and leads to a cycle.

Cigarette #15 – Buildup to Letdown

Well, I officially went exactly 5 months without smoking until I gave in again.

I figured since I started posting to my blog again, and was discussing close calls, that I was getting close to giving in. My urges, while not bad, had been getting a bit stronger. However, I did not expect it to happen as soon as it did.

The cave happened Saturday Morning. Since this was my first cigarette since I started this blog(all my previous cigarettes happened well before I started this blog) I figure it would be best if I waited 48 hours before writing about it. This way I could write with a clear, unbiased mind, instead of writing off the emotion and adrenaline of the cigarette.

This cigarette was completely unplanned. It started off as a normal Saturday Morning. I had errands to run. Groceries, working out, and I also wanted to go try on some clothes at the mall for the 4th of July sales. I worked out first, and went to the mall. When I left the mall, it was still early, around 10:30am or so. I still had grocery shopping to do. Then I got into my car in the mall parking lot, and spotted someone smoking. I began to think about it. My heart began to race. The urge came over me like a wave. It wasn’t the strongest urge I have had, but it was definately the strongest I have felt in months. I’d say a 7 out of 10 on the intensity scale.

To make sure this wasn’t just a false alarm, I decided to grocery shop first. Thankfully, the mall I was at was far enough away, and there was a Walgreen’s right next to the grocery store I planned on going to. I told myself if I was still having these urges after grocery shopping, I’d buy a pack of cigarettes. The thing is, I have told myself this many times, that if I still felt up for it after running so and so errand, I’d buy a pack, but the urges faded and I never did.

Not the case this time. I finished shopping, and got back in my car, and the urges flared up, a bit stronger than the ones I had in the mall parking lot. So I was officially doing this. I pulled into the Walgreen’s Parking Lot. I’ve always hated the part of buying the cigarettes, and this was no different. I was also in somewhat of a hurry since it was getting hot and I had groceries in the trunk that I didn’t want to melt or spoil. I got into the store and it was somewhat busy. I was going to have to buy these cigarettes in front of others.

The cashier was really nice. I wanted to buy Benson & Hedges Menthol Lights 100s. Unfortunately, they only had the “Premium” Menthol ones, AKA Full Flavor. They were out of the lights, and I wasn’t up for the full flavor. I knew the Kroger down the road has the B&H Menthol Lights, but I felt uneasy about buying cigarettes infront of even more people instead of a more quaint pharmacy setting, and I didn’t want to waste any more time with the groceries in the trunk.

Here is my deal with cigarette brands. I am picky. First, I avoid bugdet brands. Those are brands intended for heavy smokers who smoke a lot on a budget. I figure since I smoke so infrequently, might as well go for the good stuff. Marlboro is the most popular brand with a lot of varieties, but I have had two bad experiences with them. Maybe if I tried them again it would be better, but I didn’t want to risk it. Then you have brands like Newport, KOOL, etc. which aren’t budget, but not on the upper tier either. I don’t know what I will get from them. That pretty much leaves me with B&H, Parliament, Salem, and Camel. I have never tried Salems. I like B&H, Parliament was OK, and Camel has a lot of different varieties that I would be open to. However, since there were people behind me in line, and I was in a hurry, I didn’t have time to think about it, and just went with a brand I had gone with before, Camel No. 9 Menthe 100s. I paid and left the store.

Right off the bat I was not thrilled with my purchase. I was dead set on the B&H Menthol Lights 100s. Have I had good experiences with the Camel No. 9’s Menthe in the past? Yes. Was I excited to smoke them again? No. Here are my main complaints about the Camel No. 9’s – they are way too light. And the menthol isn’t really menthol, at least compared to the B&H Menthols. It’s very subtle. I figure if I am only going to smoke infrequently, might as well go with a cigarette that packs a little bit more punch.

Unfortunately, I had made the purchase and had to live with it. $9 pack of cigarettes. I didn’t really feel like driving all the way home and then back 20 minutes out again to smoke, so I decided to just smoke now. I had a place in mind to smoke them, in the bleachers of a middle school football field nearby. I pulled into the parking lot there, but some guys were playing football on the field. Around 11:30am on 4th of July Weekend, I figured a lot of people would be out and about so it would be hard to find privacy. I don’t mind smoking around strangers, but not a bunch of guys playing football where I am sitting there in their view. A passing by walker or jogger, fine.

I drove down the road and found some ball fields with bleachers, but a game was going on. With groceries in the trunk, I was running out of time. I finally pulled up to a park with a bench next to a dumpster under a tree by a basketball court. Not the most ideal location to smoke, but I was in a hurry. I sat down on the bench, and out of nowhere two young girls came out to start playing basketball. I didn’t want to smoke infront of them, but was out of time. It was now or never. I tried my best to be out of their view.

I took a cigarette out of the pack, put it between my lips and lit up. Even though it wasn’t windy, I didn’t get the thing fully lit on my first go. Only a little bit was lit. So I had to light up again. I think I had it lit up, but with these cigarettes, they are so light you don’t even know if smoke is in your mouth. I took a drag and didn’t inhale, just to see if I had smoke in my mouth, and a cloud of smoke came out of my mouth. So it was lit.

I took my first drag, and coughed on my first inhale. Not a good start to this cigarette. I guess since it had been 5 months since smoking, my throat wasn’t prepared for the smoke. I took a shorter drag, inhaled successfully, and exhaled, but could barely see any smoke come out. By this time it was around 11:45am or so, the sun was up, and so it was hard to see the visual effect of smoke exiting my mouth, but to be honest, its just because these cigarettes are so light. It’s like sucking air of out a straw.

I took another drag, longer this time to try and get more smoke out of it. In the back of my mind though I was worried about coughing again. I inhaled, and exhaled, and still, it was barely visible. And I wasn’t really feeling a buzz yet. Not only are these cigarettes very light, but the draw is very loose. A tight draw, for example, would be drinking a thick milkshake through a straw. These cigarettes are like sucking nothing out of a straw – it doesn’t take much to get the smoke to come through the filter.

I was 3 drags in and honestly was not enjoying it at all. They were too light. It was like smoking air. I was getting no buzz. I couldn’t even notice they were menthol. The taste wasn’t as great as I remembered. I was sitting next to a dumpster out in the heat and trying to stay out of view from the young girls playing basketball. I looked at the cigarette in between my fingers and honestly thought about just putting it out then and cutting my losses. I wasn’t enjoying it, so why force it?

But, I hunkered on. I told myself I didn’t waste all this time to just take 3 bad drags and give up. I was going to see it through. I took more drags. I took more inhales. I exhaled. Things didn’t get better. The taste didn’t get better. The exhales didn’t get thicker or more visible. I still wasn’t getting any real buzz despite taking longer drags and inhaling deeper into my lungs. I was about 75% of the way through the 100s length cigarette, and probably had a good 3-4 drags left, but put it out. I was done. But even the extinguishing of the cigarette didn’t go well. I thought I had stubbed it out, but it was still lit. I had to stomp it out.

And that was that.

It was definitely not one of my better cigarettes. In fact, it was probably my worst since the two failed attempts at smoking when I first started.

Let’s have a recap of what exactly went wrong:

  • Walgreen’s didn’t have the brand I was looking for, and had to settle for a brand I wasn’t really interested in smoking.
  • I couldn’t find a good place to smoke, so had to smoke next to a dumpster within sight of two young girls playing basketball.
  • I failed to light the cigarette the first attempt.
  • I didn’t even know smoke was in my mouth on my first drag
  • I coughed on my first inhale
  • My exhales were really weak and barely visible. I like to make tight, neat, pretty cone shaped exhales, but it was impossible.
  • I got no buzz. When I was done smoking and driving home, I felt a very weak buzz, but it was barely noticable. I knew I had a buzz, but it was the minimum.
  • The draw on these cigarettes was too loose.
  • The taste isn’t as good as I remembered and the menthol is very subtle
  • I didn’t extinguish the cigarette on my first attempt.
  •  The sweet potatoes I bought at the grocery store exploded in my trunk.

A recap of what went right?

  • I ashed the cigarette fine. But it’s not like that’s rocket science!

Yeah… thats about it.

It’s a shame. After 5 months of no smoking, but plenty of fantasizing about it during that time, you don’t want your first go after the 5 month hiatus to be bad. You want it to be glorious, like it was worth the wait and everything you dreamed of. With a fetish, you fear the real deal never living up to your expectations that you fantasize about. Perhaps the most common fetish, cross dressing for males, is one that I research to find parallels to my smoking fetish. A lot of male cross dressers will say that actually cross dressing never lives up to the way it plays out in their mind. That their fantasies are always better than the real thing. However, I’ve had successful cigarettes that did live up to my expectations and fantasies. This just wasn’t one of them.

So I could not get home fast enough. I wanted the taste out of my mouth and off my clothes and fingers. It was actually repulsing, which hasn’t happened since my first failed attempts. I kept spitting because I didn’t want to swallow. I got home, put the groceries on the counter, threw my clothes in the wash, got in the shower. As I turned on the water I took a huge swig of Listerine, and that still didn’t get the taste out of my mouth. The taste in my mouth lingered all day. I had fajitas for lunch, and the bell peppers grossed me out because I thought they tasted like the tobacco. I couldn’t even finish my food because it was making me feel like puking. The thought of the taste of the cigarette made me sick.

To be honest, my entire mindset from the moment I put out the cigarette was “That was awful, I never want to do it again”. I naively thought that my smoking fetish would die because of my bad experience. Now you see why I chose to wait a couple of days before writing about it, because the tone and message of my entry would have been just that, I am not doing this again, it was stupid, smoking is terrible.

But, I woke up the next morning with a different mindset. The thought of smoking again wasn’t grossing me out like it was the day before. I wasn’t ready to smoke again, but I knew I was willing to give it another chance eventually. I chalked it up to a single bad experience. I’ve had bad experiences in the past that didn’t kill my fetish even when I thought it would, and this was no different.

I did chuck the pack of Camel No. 9s. I just wasn’t interested in smoking those again, and probably won’t ever again. I did have success smoking them at the hotel back in January. But those successes were less about the cigarette and more about the situation. Smoking on a hotel balcony 10 stories up in a clear Winter Night Sky overlooking a city skyline, and smoking socially for the first time. I was willing to look past the negatives of the cigarette on those occasions. But when I had nothing going for me situationally and was just smoking, these cigarettes are not ideal. They are just too weak and burn too quickly.  When a tiny 5’4” girl like me who rarely smokes gets no buzz from them, you know they are weak. I think Camel No. 9s are designed for young female smokers to smoke in social situations. They are very light and give a weak buzz, so they are fine to smoke just to smoke at, for example, parties when drinking. But when you are like me and only smoke every so often, you want to get the most out of every cigarette. These didn’t do the job. I like to test myself with my exhales and make them pretty, and its hard to do that with weak smoke that you can barely see. I like to get a buzz. I like the cigarette to have a tighter draw and last longer instead of burn quickly.

For these reasons, I think in the future, I am willing to give the Benson & Hedges Menthol 100s Premiums(Full Flavors) a try. I am intimidated by full flavor cigarettes, but mainly because of the cork style filter. The B&H Full Flavors don’t have a cork style filter, its white, so that psychological barrier wouldn’t be there. I just want a cigarette that has actual menthol, a tighter draw, thicker smoke, and one that gives me a buzz. I had a good experience with the B&H Menthol Lights 100s in the past, but I want to see what the difference is with the full flavors. Maybe the full flavors will be too strong for me and I will have to revert back to the Lights 100s, maybe the Parliament Lights again, or some of the stronger Camel Brands like Camel Crush Lights or Camel Menthol Lights. This is what I hate about cigarettes, you can’t just buy one to try out, you have to buy the whole pack, so if you are dissatisfied, its a waste of money.

I also think I am not going to smoke in broad daylight again. The sun and bright light takes away the visual effect. Smoking at night is probably my favorite, as you can see the smoke better, and the glow of the cigarette cherry is at its brightest. Smoking early in the morning before the sun is higher up is also great because it is relaxing and starting the day with a cigarette is a nice bonus.  Then you have smoking at sunset/twilight, which is also calm and like the sunrise but a bit darker for the visual effect. This was actually the first cigarette I can remember smoking in broad daylight. I smoked socially at the hotel during the day, but it was underneath an overhang so the sunlight was not direct and we were in the shade. My first successful inhale cigarette(Cigarette #3) was in the daylight, but I didn’t really care about the visual effect for that one. All my other cigarettes were at sunrise, sunset, or at night. So that is one thing in the future I will definitely have to plan for.

One aspect I didn’t really feel this time was guilt. I have felt guilt in the past, but not this time.  I felt some shame and was like “That was stupid, why did I do that”, but it wasn’t rooted in guilt.  Perhaps since it was such a bad experience, I didn’t have anything to feel guilty about. I usually felt guilt after good experiences, because I was guilty about enjoying something I shouldn’t be.

As far as smoking again is concerned, there is no doubt in my mind that I will smoke again. But, it won’t be any time soon. Probably not until next month at the earliest. I think I need to take a step back and learn from this bad experience. I am worried if I smoke again too soon and have another bad experience, it will make things worse and I will try to chase a good experience. I don’t want to double down on a bad experience. I need a reset.  I will smoke again when I am ready, and give the B&H Menthol 100s Full Flavors a try.

Close Calls

While there have been 6 occasions in which I have felt the urge to smoke enough to where I actually went to the store and bought cigarettes, I have had many close calls where I wanted to, but ultimately ended up not doing so.

Of those 6 occasions where I did end up buying cigarettes, the first 3 were spontaneous. They were unplanned and were a spur of the moment type of thing. The next 3 were completely planned out ahead of time.

Close Calls used to be frequent for me, but my last close call was around the time I started this blog, back in April. I had it all planned out just like my previous cigarette purchases. I was going to go to a grocery store about 20 minutes north of campus, which was right next to a Walgreen’s where I was going to buy some Benson & Hedges Menthol 100s cigarettes. I was going to do this early on a Saturday morning, around 7am or so, and smoke a cigarette at a nearby park that morning. I treated it as no big deal. I went to bed and was excited for the morning to come.

But I woke up that morning and happily walked to my car, and noticed my tire was flat. Ugh. I had a spare, but went to go get a new tire since it was still under warranty. After spending 3 hours at the tire place, it was finally fixed. Now it was around 10:00am, and my desire to buy cigarettes had waned. I still went grocery shopping at that store 20 minutes north, but after the tire fiasco and waiting forever for a single tire, I didn’t feel like buying cigarettes.

I got home and figured I would be beating myself up later because I knew for certain my urges would be coming back and dominate my thoughts, and I would be angry I didn’t buy the cigarettes when I had the chance. The urges came back, but they weren’t as strong as they had been all week. On a scale of 1-10, perhaps a 5. I told myself I will just do it next week. However, my urges slowly and slowly subsided that week, and by the next week, my urges were almost non existant, and then they went away. That is where I am today.

Since then I have wondered if anything would be different had I not gotten that flat tire. There is no doubt in my mind I would have bought the cigarettes that morning had everything been OK. I was on a mission. The flat tire broke my spirt. I probably would have done the usual smoke 3 cigarettes and chuck the pack and wait another 2 months or so ordeal, but you never know, maybe, just maybe, things would have turned out different. Maybe those would have been the cigarettes that finally triggered my first physical craving. Maybe those were the cigarettes I would have been smoking when someone I knew saw me smoking them in the park I planned on smoking them at. Maybe someone I know would have seen me buying the cigarettes at that Walgreen’s.

Maybe that flat tire happened for a reason.

Whatever it is, I haven’t smoked since. I expect my fetish one day soon to roar its head and for me to cave and go buy cigarettes. Maybe I will have a few more close calls until I actually go through with it this time.

Since it has been so long I feel almost like I am back at square one, before I started smoking at all. To be honest, I hate it. I am someone who likes to plan things and be very organized, and I hate this. I hate the unpredictability. I wish my smoking fetish flared up on a regular cycle so I knew when it was coming, when I could plan for it, and get it over with. I feel stuck in the middle. On one extreme there is no urge to smoke at all, and on the other extreme there is a severe urge to smoke that must be satisfied. Right now I am somewhere in the middle, leaning slightly toward the no urge side. It would be a lot easier on me and my mind if it were an all or nothing type of thing. It’s like “OK, what do I do?”

5 months of no smoking

So it has been nearly 5 months since my last cigarette.

If you would have told me when I started this blog that I would have gone that long without smoking, I would have called you crazy. When I started this blog I was wondering if going 2 months in between smoking was even an option for me, as if that were too long for me to handle with my fetish.

It’s also been over a year since my first cigarette, and nearly a year since my first inhale.

It’s been a journey, but a journey that has stalled out the last 5 months and I am baffled myself as to why.

I remember my last cigarettes, at the hotel smoking socially with strangers, ended on such a high note. I thought that this would become a regular, once every 8 weeks or so type of ordeal. But I have now gone 5 months without smoking. It’s weird. When I started this blog, its because my fetish urges to smoke were so strong, I needed an outlet. I never gave into those urges, but I thought they would come back and I would eventually cave in.

If my fetish urges were on a scale of 1-10, the ones I had when I first started this blog in March would have been a 9 or 10. I could barely sleep. I would toss and turn just waiting for daybreak so I could get up and go to a store and buy some cigarettes and smoke. But the sun would rise, and I would choose not to do it. Those urges lasted about a week or two, and subsided.

Since then, I haven’t had any urges stronger than a “5”, and even the urges that strong are rare. It’s not like I haven’t had my opportunities to give in. There have been days and nights where I would think “You know what would be nice to do tonight or tomorrow? Smoking a cigarette”. I’d begin to make plans in my head, but there was no sense of urgency. Then my urge would fade, and I wouldn’t do it. There have been plenty of times where I have gone into a Walgreen’s or gas station and stood right there at the counter staring at the wall of cigarettes, but never asked for a pack. There have been a couple times where I told myself if I felt up to it, I would buy a pack of cigarettes after buying groceries or running another errand, but I never ended up doing so.

My urges just haven’t been that strong. I haven’t felt the need. My fetish still exists, but its been very managable. I thought that with the summer and all my new free time, I’d have gotten bored and given in, but nearly 2 months into summer break I am still smoke-free. I don’t know if I should be proud of myself or not. I still consider myself a smoker even though I have only smoked 14 cigarettes in my life. With my fetish, I have had gaps with my urges like this before, and I am sure one day, it could be tomorrow, they will come roaring back. I guess I should enjoy this peace while it lasts?

I’ve began to think about reasons why perhaps I have not indulged in smoking recently, despite all the winds blowing in that direction. These are just possible theories, I am not sure if any of them are rooted in reality.

  1. I no longer view smoking a cigarette as a bad, horrible thing. I used to equate smoking to doing something bad, like a crime, or doing hard drugs. When I finally just viewed it as just smoking, just a cigarette, that its no big deal, it took the taboo away.
  2. The urges I overcame back when I started this blog were strong, strong urges. 9/10 on the scale to be exact. If I could overcome those urges without smoking, then I have no excuse to cave into these much weaker urges I have had since then.
  3. Making peace with my fetish. I used to fight my fetish with every power of my being. But I got advice when I started this blog to make a truce with my fetish and to “allow myself” to smoke. I’ve allowed myself to smoke, but I haven’t done it. I think mentally removing that “You can not smoke under any circumstances” mindset from my brain, and telling myself “Hey, you can smoke if you want!” has caused me to think about smoking less, and therefore  my fetish engine has not been revved up as much. Because I used to try to not think about smoking, and when you try to not think about something, you think about it even more.
  4. I’ve smoked 14 cigarettes. Part of my past desire and urge to smoke was rooted in the mystery and curiousity of it all. What is it like? Why do people like it? What does this brand taste like? How can I get a good nicotine buzz? How can I create my own smoking style? How do I make my exhales come out as perfect as possible? What is it like to take deeper inhales? What is it like to smoke socially? Now that I have smoked 14  cigarettes and experimented a lot, there is less mystery involved. I am less curious. Sure, there is still unfinished business I have with smoking, there are still some avenues I would like to explore, but the major smoking experiences I have already done so there is no longer a mystery surrounding it.
  5. For me, it was never about the nicotine, but the act of smoking. If I just wanted a nicotine fix and buzz, I’d be more likely to smoke more. But that was never the appeal of smoking for me, it’s the overall act of smoking.

I am sure there are more reasons why I haven’t smoked at all in 5 months. It’s a shame, because I started this blog hoping to blog my future cigarette experiences, but I haven’t even been able to do that yet.

I can say for certain I will smoke again, I just don’t know when that will be. Until that time, I will have to be content that I am in the amount of control I am in.

 

Dreams & Smoking

I have always had dreams about smoking, especially since my sophomore year of high school. Last night I had my usual smoking dream.

All of my smoking dreams are the same. In my dream, I want to smoke. I need to go to the store and buy cigarettes. I get to the store or gas station, and they don’t have the brand I am looking for(in my dreams I am always looking for the Camel No. 9 Menthols, likely because the magazine ads for these cigarettes appealed to my younger self). I go to another gas station and they have them – I buy them, open the pack and there are not cigarettes inside. There are matchsticks, or chalk, or something long and narrow but not cigarettes. In the dreams where there are cigarettes inside, they are soaking wet and therefore unsmokeable.

In my dreams, I am never able to smoke. Either I can’t find the cigarettes I am looking for, or when I buy a pack, cigarettes aren’t inside the pack. I always end up waking up, aroused, and disappointed that I didn’t smoke in my dream. But as I slowly regain awakeness, I realize that it was just a dream, I really don’t want to smoke, and that’s not who I am. It’s weird, because in my dreams, I really want to smoke. I can feel it. I can feel the arousal and desire to smoke when this happens. It’s no different from the fetish urges I get when I am awake.

One could make the connection and say the fact that I never get to smoke and something always hinders me from doing so in these dreams is because my dream is manifesting my real life – I have a smoking fetish and a rooted internal desire to smoke, but keep myself from doing so. Since I obstruct myself from smoking in real life, my subconcious obstructs myself from smoking in my dreams.

But I have smoked 14 cigarettes in the past year – so wouldn’t my dreams adjust to this? I have allowed myself to smoke 14 times – so why does my mind still continue to block me from smoking in my dreams? It’s always a disappointment, because in my dreams I can feel it – I am going to smoke! And then I don’t, and feel the disappointment upon waking up. I never get to smoke in my dreams.

Now don’t get me wrong – I have had dreams where I smoke – but they are different. They don’t play out the same way as above. In dreams where I smoke, I have already been smoking – I am already way addicted, and I can feel the addiction and need to smoke in these dreams – and the guilt that comes with that. But in these dreams, smoking is something I have already done.

Those dreams are a lot rarer. I’d say I have the “almost smoke but was hindered” dream 3-4 times a month, and the “I am already smoking and addicted” dream 3 times a year. I worry when I have the rare “I am smoking” dreams, I have always interpreted that as a peek of my future – where I am addicted to smoking in real life. I hope that is not the case – I will make sure of that – but it’s a theory. Another theory is that being an addicted smoker is a desire of my fetish, not myself, and it manifests itself in my dreams.

Dreams are weird, and smoking is just a recurring element.

I feel like these smoking dreams are always the eventual springboard to what causes my fetish cycle of urges to ramp up. As these get more frequent and I get more fetish urges/arousals in my sleep, the urges/arousals while I am awake are sure to follow. That’s been the pattern so far.

I must say, I am surprised I have made it this long without choosing to smoke. I haven’t smoked since early February – 3 months. I had a close call when I started this blog in late March, but in the end chose not to smoke. And it’s been smooth sailing since. I went through the whole month of April without any urges, despite expecting to get them at any moment. But since I have had the smoking dreams twice in the past few days, I am expecting May to be a different month in terms of my smoking fetish and urges.

We will see.