I didn’t smoke that Saturday, as I am still being careful about spacing out my smoking. No back to backs for me. On Saturday I simply enjoyed the city and its attractions. I dedicated a day to myself.
I did plan on smoking that Sunday, before I left. Originally I planned on smoking on the balcony again, but I ended up having a change of plans.
I ate breakfast on the first floor of the hotel. As I finished and was headed back up to my room, I noticed a group of 4 people outside the entrance of the hotel smoking. I hesitated at first, but I decided this was as good of a time as ever to smoke with other people.
I admit I was nervous, but I went outside and stood on the front drive, near the space heater and the ashtray-trashcan combo that the 4 people were huddled around. There were 2 men and 2 women, probably in their mid twenties, all smoking and chatting with each other.
I pulled my pack of Camel No. 9’s out of my purse, took a cigarette out, put it between my lips and lit up as if it was something I had done 20 times a day for the past 5 years. Little did everyone out on the front drive who saw me know that this was only my 13th cigarette ever. I took my first drag and inhaled and as I began to put the pack back in my purse, one of the women who was smoking inquired to me about the Camel cigarette I was smoking. She said she had always wanted to try them, but never saw them anywhere. Since I wasn’t going to smoke the whole pack anyway, I offered her one to try. She gladly accepted, and I added myself to their smoking circle.
Before the woman asked me about my cigarettes, I was nervous and you could probably tell by looking at me. But after she opened up to me, I became a lot more relaxed and really enjoyed the social smoking experience for the first time. I made sure to blow my smoke away from the others and hold my cigarette in a way as not to have the stream of smoke get on the others. I introduced myself to the group and told them where I am from and where I go to school. While in real time the conversation with this group only lasted a few minutes, it felt like longer than that. Apart from her initial question about my cigarettes, the subject of smoking never came up. As much as I wanted to talk smoking with other people, it’s probably a boring subject for this group who likely smokes frequently. They were finished smoking before I was, and put out their cigarettes and wished me well. I took 3 more drags of mine by myself and put it out in the ashtray.
I must admit, smoking with other people socially like that was a rush. There was always the outside chance someone I knew would see me, but I didn’t care. I saw the opportunity and took it, and glad I did. Unfortunately, I don’t see an opportunity to do this again any time soon, as I won’t get many chances to smoke with strangers 4 hours away from where I live.
Another note, is this was my first cigarette directly after eating. I ate a decent sized breakfast. I can see why people now say they love to smoke after eating. I feel like the cigarette “completed” the meal and put a cherry on top.
Alas, it was a step in the right direction and I have become virtually desensitized to strangers seeing me smoke.
The drive home however halted my momentum. I just had two great cigarettes and experienced the rush of social smoking for the first time. I should have been on Cloud 9. But the guilt overcame me. I drove 4 hours out of my way to smoke 2 cigarettes. Smoking is bad for you. I would be ashamed to admit I smoked to anyone. I thought I was overcoming the guilt, but it came back. I just had the two greatest cigarettes of my life this weekend, the type of experiences that should make me want to do it more often. But the shame was greater.
I drove home and smoked my last cigarette of the cycle 2 days later on Wednesday. I went to a park only 15 minutes from campus, which is the closest I have smoked to campus or home. It was dark when I went and no one came by me on the bench I was sitting on. Back to secluded smoking. When I was done, I re-evaluated my plan to smoke 3 per cycle. I didn’t plan on smoking a 4th one, but I thought about how many I could get away with, without cravings setting in. I admit, part of the reason was because I was so curious as to what exactly a physical craving is. I had never experienced a physical craving and just wanted to know. In the end, I decided that it’s a blessing I haven’t felt one yet, and that 3 per cycle is working, so why change it?
I really like the Camel No. 9 cigarettes. If I were a regular smoker, they’d be a staple in my purse. But when I limit myself to 3 cigarettes every 2-3 months, I think it is best to go with a cigarette that packs a little more punch. The Camel No. 9’s are great as a secondary cigarette or party cigarette or recreational cigarette. But I want to make every smoking session count, so I deserve to treat myself to a cigarette that has more to it.
Eva Smokes 